


Bollocks!

by IncendiaGlacies



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: 3+1, Gen, RipFic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-23 05:33:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12499896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IncendiaGlacies/pseuds/IncendiaGlacies
Summary: 3 times Rip says bollocks, and 1 time Gideon does





	Bollocks!

**Author's Note:**

> Admittedly not my best work. But short, sweet and relevant after 3x03.

1.

“Oh bollocks!” Rip yelled as he clutched his leg in pain.

“You really should refrain from using such course language, Captain,” his AI tutted, “It is hardly professional of you.”

“Well I’m sorry, I just hurt myself and I feel that bollocks is exactly the right word to use!” the young Captain argued angrily.

“Well it’s your own fault for putting the table over there. Perhaps you should be more aware of your surroundings, Captain,” Gideon answered sweetly.

Rip glared at the ceiling where the voice came from. He had no legitimate proof, but he was fairly certain his AI was trying to kill him. Slowly and painfully. At the very least this was some form of slow torture. She should have been offering up the medbay, not berating him on his language.

“I am perfectly aware of everything, Gideon,” Rip gritted his teeth.

“Well then you would not have ran into the table and cursed so foully,” Gideon singsonged. He didn’t think any other AI had this much range in their voice. Was she defective? More importantly, why did she have to make his life hell? Why not go torture some other young Captain?

Rip sighed and let her win this time. It would do no good to get into (another) argument with the AI that controlled the ship. Last time she had locked him in his room and turned out the lights. Retrospectively, perhaps that was her way of showing her concern over his lack of sleep.

“Very well, Gideon. I will do better to be more aware of my surroundings next time.”

“See that you do. You should also go have some lunch. There is always a chance that you injured yourself due to lack of concentration from nutrient deficiency.”

She had the strangest way of worrying about him. Still, he supposed in a roundabout way he appreciated it. After all, who else would lecture him on the amount of jellybeans he ate in one sitting? Even if she also played old time pop music on full blast when she was angry with him. He now had the entire album by a Ms. Britney Spears memorized. What kind of song was ‘Oops I did it again’ anyways? Just don’t make the same mistake twice!

“Have any of your previous Captains ever told you how nagging you are?” Rip questioned as he made his way to the galley.

“My relationships with all previous Captains is strictly confidential information, Captain Hunter,” Gideon reminded him happily.

“Of course they are,” Rip rolled his eyes as the fabricator began operating on its own to make him lunch. Apparently she didn’t trust him to make something for himself.

“Thank you,” Rip said as he picked up the now food laden plate, “Even if you are really annoying.”

“It’s not the first time I’ve heard that,” Gideon responded, “And you’re welcome.”

“I bet,” Rip snorted, “Must have driven all your other Captains up the wall.”

“There was no wall climbing involved,” Gideon corrected him. Apparently, that part of her previous relationships was public information. “Though there was a fair amount of cursing and yelling.”

“Is that why you couldn’t keep a Captain? None of them liked you?” Rip asked with a frown. The thought was saddening. Even with Gideon’s annoying quirks, he’d much rather have her humor and emotion over the other monotonous AIs.

“I didn’t like them,” Gideon corrected him harshly.

“But you like me?” Rip quirked a smile.

“Yes.” Rip blinked at the steadfast confession. He had his doubts. It was always hard to tell where he stood with Gideon. And his relationship with his AI was what would keep him alive at the end of the day. He’d like it to be a good one.

“Thank you,” Rip said softly. Before he could go any further Gideon spoke again.

“Obviously you still have a lot to learn. Your flying skills are somewhat abysmal and for some reason you have a penchant for running headfirst into dangerous situations. But I’m sure we can work on you.”

“Ah, there it is,” Rip sighed, “You have the strangest way of showing affection, Gideon.”

“You’ll get used to me, Captain. Perhaps one day you’ll like me as well,” Gideon added softly.

Rip smiled, “I already do.”

* * *

 

2.

“Captain, I hate to interrupt your reunion, but Time Master Druce is waiting to talk to you.”

Rip pulled away from his kiss with Miranda and stared at the ceiling. “Oh bollocks!”

“Oh god, they can’t find me on here, Rip!” Miranda said as she scrambled off him.

“No, no, don’t worry they won’t,” Rip grabbed her arms and tried to soothe her, “Don’t worry Miranda. Everything will be fine.” He turned to the ceiling for advice, “Gideon?”

“If you go to the end of the cargo bay you will find a loose floorboard. You may hide in there, Miranda,” Gideon informed.

Miranda nodded once and kissed Rip before running off to the cargo bay. Rip straightened his back and fixed his shirt before nodding once, allowing Gideon to pull up Druce’s hologram. He reported in on his latest mission (completely leaving out how his wife had tagged along) and accepted his next mission. Once debriefed, Rip sighed, his shoulders sagging in relief.

“I have informed Miranda that Druce has left. She has gone to take a shower if you would like to join her,” Gideon informed him.

Rip frowned as he looked up, “Exactly how much do you pay attention to what goes on, on this ship?” He did enjoy some privacy after all.

“Enough to know where to hide Miranda so your illicit relationship does not get found out by the Time Masters,” Gideon responded sternly as she activated her avatar. There was a certain sharpness to her voice.

Rip crossed his arms and looked at her, “You’re angry with me. You said you were fine with helping me hide the truth about Miranda-”

“I am,” Gideon responded coolly, “I am not alright with putting both your lives at risk for the frivolity of closeness you feel with her!”

Rip blushed in embarrassment before he responded hotly, “That is not what it’s like! Gideon, I love her. I barely ever get to see her. And you can’t deny that she was an asset to this mission.”

“An asset that I will have to delete from the mission reports,” Gideon reminded him.

“Something which you said you would be fine with doing!” Rip shot back. Gideon didn’t say anything, simply removed her avatar. Rip sighed, now she was furious with him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put you in that position, Gideon.”

“If the Time Masters were to find out I kept this secret, they would likely have me reprogrammed,” Gideon told him. Rip frowned at that, a string tugged at his heart. He loved his friend the way she was, he couldn’t bear the thought of anyone changing her personality. Gideon continued softly, “But more importantly, I worry about what they would do to you.”

“Most likely I would simply lose my job,” Rip dismissed.

“And I would lose my Captain,” Gideon snapped at him. Rip stepped back from the force of her tone. He hadn’t thought of it like that.

“Gideon, I’m sorry, I didn’t think-”

“I have put a lot of work into you. It would be rather annoying to have to break in a brand new Captain all over again,” Gideon dismissed his apologies.

Rip laughed, “Yes, of course it would be. I suppose I’m only around for the convenience.”

“Obviously,” Gideon bantered.

Rip looked down, feeling the comfortable silence lull around them. “I am sorry. What would you have me do?”

“No more missions,” Gideon requested – no pleaded – of her Captain. “I do not mind you spending time with her onboard, but I cannot risk her life on a mission. And I cannot have you distracted worrying about her either. Even if she is better than you, you worry, Captain.”

Rip ignored the barb and nodded, “Okay, okay. That’s fair. No more missions.”

“Thank you, Captain.” If Gideon was worried about her Captain’s sullenness, she imagined he would soon agree with her anyways. After all, he would never put Miranda in danger once he learned she was with child.

* * *

 

3.

“Jonas? Jonas! Where are you? Your mother is going to kill me if I lose you on this ship!” Rip huffed as he looked around his study. From under the table, he heard a giggle. Ah, there he was. Rip tiptoed as quietly as he could, a small smile on his face. As he got to the table, he ducked underneath and yelled, “Boo!” Jonas positively squealed as he fell over laughing at his father. Rip pulled the toddler into his arms and made to stand up from his crouch.

As he got up, he hit his head against the desk and exclaimed, “Bollocks!” Jonas clearly found the word hilarious as he squealed again and laughed while pointing at Rip. “Yes, yes, very funny I’m sure,” Rip muttered as he rubbed his head, “What were you doing under there anyways?”

“We were playing hide and seek, Captain,” Gideon answered.

“Gideon?” Rip blinked as he looked at the ceiling, “And you couldn’t have thought to tell me that when I was worried sick and yelling his name?”

“You didn’t ask me,” Gideon replied testily. Rip sighed, clearly she was still upset from their last mission. “Besides, I wanted to give Jonas the impression that he was winning.”

“How are you playing hide and seek with my son? He’s barely two, he can hardly even talk.” At most, Jonas liked to babble to them and point out objects as he tried to name them.

“I can speak baby.”

Rip blinked, “No. You can’t.”

“Captain, I have been programmed with multiple languages and am more than capable of translation in various languages. Baby is one of them.”

Rip simply stood there bewildered. “Then why don’t you just translate for us all the time?” he demanded pointing out the flaw in her logic.

“Well he can’t speak baby forever. He has to learn a proper language. Preferably English as he would be exposed to it the most,” Gideon explained, “Speaking of which, you should watch your language around young Jonas.”

“Excuse me?” Rip asked as he shifted a fussy Jonas around.

“Have I not already told you to stop your cursing?” Gideon lectured, “And now you’re doing it in front of Jonas.”

Rip belatedly remembered he had used bollocks around Jonas. Miranda probably wouldn’t be pleased. But still, “He’s two. He doesn’t understand anything yet!”

“Actually at this age of early development, children are rapidly learning the world around them. They tend to copy as well as repeat many of the words they hear,” Gideon informed him happily.

“Right,” Rip nodded slowly, “How do you know about all this?”

“I downloaded all the necessary information relevant to child rearing once Miranda’s pregnancy was confirmed. I wanted to be prepared,” Gideon said dismissively.

Rip turned misty eyed at that. He felt touched that his best friend would do all that for him – for his son. “Gideon, I don’t know what to say.”

“You could start by stopping all the cursing. Jonas needs a proper vocabulary,” Gideon told him strictly.

“I still very much doubt Jonas will pick up on everything I say,” Rip rolled his eyes.

Of course Jonas took that very moment to utter, “Bowuks!” Rip stared at his son in horror. Miranda would actually kill him this time.

“You were saying?” Gideon chimed in nonchalantly.

“Gideon! Save the ‘I told you so’ and just help me!” Rip begged her, “No Jonas, don’t say that. It’s not a good word.”

“Bowuks. Bowuks. Bowuks!” Jonas babbled happily. Rip was a dead man walking.

“Might I suggest you distract him?” Gideon suggested.

“How am I supposed to do that?” Rip worried.

“Within the past hour Jonas has yawned four times. I believe it is time for a nap,” Gideon told him.

“Right a nap,” Rip nodded frantically, “Does that sound good, Jonas? A nap?”

Jonas shook his head, “Ba! Ba!”

“I told you to stop saying that word,” Rip admonished.

“Actually Captain, what he is trying to tell you is that he requires his blanket. He cannot sleep without it,” Gideon translated.

“And how would you know that?” Rip demanded.

“I speak baby.”

Rip decided not to argue with Gideon this time and just take her at her word. He found the blanket Miranda always used and sat on the couch, his son in his lap and the blanket wrapped around him. Finally, Jonas stopped his fussing and yawned as he snuggled into his father’s chest.

Rip smiled at his son as he stroked his son’s hair to soothe him, “Thank you Gideon. That was a very good idea.”

“Of course, Captain. I wouldn’t let my namesake suffer needlessly,” Gideon responded brightly. She always was a bit smug that Jonas’ middle name was her own.

Rip hummed, “Exactly how much of that was you speaking baby and you reading his mind?”

“I don’t think I understand the question, Captain,” Gideon responding cheekily.

“Of course you don’t, Gideon. Of course you don’t.”

* * *

 

+1

“How are the engines shot again?” Rip huffed as he grabbed his tools.

“Well did you fix them last week like I told you to?” Gideon asked.

“Of course I did!”

“Did you?” Gideon interrogated.

Rip paused and stared at the engine room. He could feel the back of his neck heat with a blush. He looked at the ground sheepishly, “Well, I might have let the Legends take care of it. But they need to learn about the ship if they’re going to stay!”

“Well clearly, they’re absolute bollocks at taking care of the ship!” Gideon snapped at him.

Rip stood there staring slack jawed at the ceiling. “Gideon, did – did you just curse? You can’t do that!”

“I can when you insist on letting Mr. Rory fix my ship!” Gideon responded annoyed.

“Yes but, but you can’t!” Rip spluttered.

“Would you like to have a seat Captain? Your blood pressure levels are rising and your heart is beating erratically. You seem most distressed.” Rip ignored her teasing and sat quietly on the floor.

“You can’t swear. You’re Gideon,” Rip pouted.

“I don’t understand your query, Captain,” Gideon responded, “What is wrong with my choice of diction?”

Rip looked up, “I’ve listened to you lecture and scold me for the past fourteen years on how I shouldn’t curse. And then you go and do it!”

“The Legends have clearly made an exception for me,” Gideon said bitterly.

“This is my fault. I’ve been a terrible role model for you,” Rip bemoaned.

“I assure you Sir, I hardly see you as a fitting role model for myself,” Gideon said lightly.

“I should have been better with you,” Rip said guiltily. Gideon felt it was best to just let him get his ridiculous feelings out. “If anyone found out that you have this level of emotion or vocabulary they’ll-”

“If who finds out, Captain? The Time Masters are gone.” Rip blinked. Yes, he had forgotten about that. They were gone. The only person that could change Gideon…was Rip. “So unless you are planning on changing my programming-”

“I would never do that!” Rip growled, “I like you how you are.”

“Cursing and all?” Gideon bantered.

“It will take some getting used to,” Rip muttered. “Could you always do this?” Had the Time Masters been around he would have worried. If she used such language around them, they would have at the very least taken her from him. He couldn’t bear to lose Gideon.

“I suppose. Never quite felt like it,” Gideon answered, “And it would have been frowned upon by the Time Masters and would have resulted in minor reprogramming. It was never worth the risk.”

“And now it is? Over something as small as the Legends misbehaving?” Rip teased.

“Over the Legends hurting my ship,” Gideon corrected harshly. Softer, she explained, “And you are my Captain. I have never been afraid of you changing me for your own interests.”

“Never,” Rip promised, “I would never do that.”

“Well then it seems whatever dilemma you were facing has been resolved. Will you please fix the engines now? Properly?” Gideon commanded.

Rip rolled his eyes. He may have been Captain, but Gideon was the real boss since day one. He couldn’t help but ask, “Is this going to be a regular thing now?”

“What, you taking proper responsibility like you’re supposed to?” Gideon asked rhetorically.

“I’m ignoring that. The cursing, Gideon,” Rip implored.

“I don’t know. I still don’t understand the fuss with cursing or why it is necessary. I suppose we will have to see, won’t we, Captain?”

It astounded Rip how much Gideon reacted and learned like a human. “Yes, I suppose we will,” Rip agreed. He then requested, “Just not in front of the Legends if you please.”

“And why is that, Captain?” Gideon asked with humor in her voice. She had clearly caught on to what he was thinking.

“Well it’s like you’ve said before Gideon, young minds are highly impressionable to such crass vocabulary,” Rip joked with her. However, if the Legends insisted on acting like children and viewing him as a paternal figure, than he had every right to do so. “We wouldn’t want to give them the wrong idea. We need to be role models for them.”

“Obviously I would be the better one,” Gideon preened.

“Yes, of course you would,” Rip agreed easily.

“I don’t see why it matters. They’ve probably learned much worse from you already.”

“They have not!” Rip argued.

“Of course they have, Captain. Whom do you think I got ‘bollocks’ from?” Gideon asked him.

“Oh, right. Sorry,” Rip sighed.

“Don’t be. If I’m going to do something, I like to do it properly,” Gideon said, “And I learned how to curse from the best.”


End file.
